Category Archives: life

career

Needing to feel needed

I’ve been feeling adrift lately and have spent a fair amount of my time thinking during my walks about why. Something I’ve started to coalesce around is the idea of needing to feel needed. This idea of being in service to others and how that’s been a big part of my life probably since I became an uncle years ago.

At my last job this was one of my favorite aspects. When I could offer something on a code review that made it a little better or led to a discussion about why one approach was taken over another – sometimes just leading to clearer documentation about why the decision was made for the next time someone looks at that snippet of code. When someone I’d been mentoring had that turn that signaled movement towards the next stage in their career – or better yet got promoted to the next level in the organization. Or when a designer or product manager would ping me on slack and I’d get the wonderful distraction of picking apart a problem with them and collaborating on a solution that neither of us may have arrived at alone, explaining technical tradeoffs and learning what concerns and processes they have approaching it from their end.

“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded.” 
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think about this quote a lot. Not in the sense of my career – I’d like to believe I’m humble enough to realize that I never had that profound an impact on a colleague. But by being in service to people I work with, my family, etc I have learned to better embrace the concepts that I search for in others. Empathy, kindness, and grace to start. With my career specifically I always try to embrace a parallel concept – “leave it better than you found it”. Try to make the snippet of code or component or feature you’re working on a little less frustrating for the next person that finds it. That might mean increasing scope slightly to clean up some code around it or pulling out some redundancy to DRY it up or even just a few lines of documentation that will guide someone to the why in minutes what may have taken you hours to get to.

But the idea of being needed in my career and my personal life have overlap. Being there for people I care about and embracing the ideals I desire allows me to do the same for colleagues, something I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t very good at early in my career. Perhaps maturity, or perhaps just introspection over time on how I wasn’t the human I wished I had been. Conversely being needed in my career, for a while, led to increased responsibility which led to higher compensation which allowed me to financially – not just emotionally – help out people and causes I wanted to.

That has been one of the most humbling experiences of whatever this period of my life is – whether it turns into a long sabbatical or an early retirement I’m honestly not sure of day to day. But not having that security of a constant income has led me to be less generous. I understand this is a privilege – it was a blessing that I was ever able to be in a position to help others when many people I know struggle just to meet their basic needs. But the fact that I once was able to and now don’t leads to disappointment in myself. That I’m letting others down even when, deep down, I know they don’t see it that way. That I’m squandering the skills or talent or whatever you want to call it that led to placing me in that position by not securing my next opportunity and income from it.

Which leads back to needing to be needed and feeling adrift. Because of my circumstances I’ve been forced mostly to only be accountable for myself. I am as selfish as anyone, so this should be easy. But what I’ve found is I just don’t seem to care as much about myself as others, specifically those I care about. I don’t get the same return from my successes as I do from the successes of others I’ve helped. I’d like to think this is a good trait and not some sort of ego. Either way that’s where I’ve found myself lately.

So I spend a lot of time thinking up and mostly rejecting ideas about how to be seen in this market. To stand out so that others feel they need me and want to hire me. About side gigs or “hustles” that maybe I can build into something that together can replace some of what a full time position would give me – both in income and feeling needed – in case it never comes. Especially if I could turn writing from something that not only brings joy, but financial reward.

I specifically remember a few years ago, after finally being recognized and promoted to senior level at the company I worked for feeling I’d finally “made it”. That the company, which was known, recognized me as someone that mentored and built up colleagues and provided more value than cost. That my career had been on a trajectory that, while slower than I’d hoped and with many bumps along the way, had finally reached a point where I would be desired by companies. The last two years have done significant damage, if not outright done away with, that confidence while bringing back my old friend impostor syndrome in force.

Most likely I was just deluding myself. We live in a world where unless someone vouches for you it’s hard to get noticed without generating the type of attention that I’ve never been good at getting. Maybe because I’m so reserved or maybe, as the dark part of my mind tells me late at night, because I was an impostor all along and it finally has caught up with me. I honestly don’t know.

I just know when I’m in the deepest moments of despair and I ask the universe for help, it’s to be needed. To be valued. To be wanted. To be able to show that my contributions have value and that I can make the world a better place – maybe not in a powerful way, but in some small way that makes someone else breathe a little easier.

I hope I get that opportunity again. I hope that I’ve been a good colleague and the next time some former colleague’s team needs someone, I’m one of the people that springs to mind. I hope that if I do get that next fair offer, I do my best to earn it and appreciate it everyday. Finally I hope that if I do I continue to pay it forward – teaching, mentoring, building other’s confidence in themselves, advocating, and championing. 

life

Reflections on Grief

It’s now been 15 years since I lost my Dad. I’m not sure why that one hit me harder than most, perhaps because he was one of the two people that gave me the gift of Life. It’s not like I haven’t lost people or beloved pets before or since – by that point all my grandparents, my godfather and Dad’s older brother, as well as a cousin were gone. Maybe it was because it was the first layoff in my career and I had time to reflect more, as I have recently.

Regardless, it shifted my thinking about life and grief intrinsically. It’s continued to shift as I’ve aged and watched my niece, nephew and young cousins grow up to become teenagers and adults. And as I’ve lost more family and friends.

I see him more as I age. In my brother and nephew, but also in myself – especially in the mirror now that I’m in my 40s. As I’ve aged I often reflect on where he was at that point in his life, positively and negatively. How career and financially wise I’m a little better off, but sadly I never got to marry and raise a family like him. Or how when he was about my age he was about to get divorced and change his life dramatically for the rest of it.

The past doesn’t repeat, but I definitely see rhymes in our paths – so I live pragmatically hoping that I’ll live to 92 like I plan, but also trying to live for today in case I go at or around 60 when he and many of the other significant males in my life died. Each birthday it’s like I have a bell ring out – X more years until you leave this world – what are you doing to make the most of it?

Being on forced sabbatical the last two years has given me time to read, listen to podcasts, and reflect. One of the topics I’ve reflected on a lot has been grief – largely through Anderson Cooper’s podcast on it. Something that they brought up that I’d experienced but had not really processed until recently is – Death isn’t really the end. Your relationship with the people you are about, especially the ones you care about most, continues after their death.

My relationship with Dad is different today than it was 5, 10 or even 15 years ago. I give him more grace, as I’ve failed and experienced challenges I believe he did. I’ve forgiven him for most if not all of the grievances I once held against him. I understand more why he made some choices or did some of the things he did. I’ve come to understand how unrelenting and exhausting life and adulting can be – even more so when you have the blessings and responsibilities of children and a family like he had, which I will never experience. 

I don’t know what lies beyond this world, if anything. I don’t know if there is another place after this that our thoughts pierce the veil. But I talk to him, asking for help or guidance. I don’t talk just to him and the conversations are different based on the type of relationship it was. I talk to my lost pets – how I wish I’d been more mature and took better care of them, even if I likely did the best I could with the resources and knowledge I had at the time. To my beloved friend who left far too young – about how it’s unfair she isn’t here to see her grandkids, while I who have no one still am.

It doesn’t matter if they hear or not, it brings me understanding or closure at times. It helps me process the loss of them from my life. It reminds me to say things and make my intentions clear with those I’ll leave behind. To think about how I allocate the resources I have and when – now when I can see the benefit they provide, or after I’m gone when they may be greater but could be decades from now. Hopefully to live more in the moment as I don’t know how many more tomorrows I will get – and how many times but for the grace of God it’s almost been none already.

It’s odd how death turns people into a snapshot. My cousin and friend were both older than me when they died, but now I am older than they lived to be. It’s strange to think about that. If I get another decade I’ll be older than two of my grandparents. Another 15 years I’ll be older than my Dad. I’ve heard my Mom talk about this with her parents, as she’s now older than both of them lived to be. 

Grief is individual and unending. We don’t know which losses will affect us nor how deeply. The fire from them never really goes out, it only dims. Years or decades letter some random smell or thought or whatever will cause that fire to flare for a moment, as powerful and dominant as it originally was. 

I’ve come to accept it as a sort of blessing. When I dream about my Dad, my ferrets, my Loafy, or someone else I’ve lost only to wake up and realize it was sadly all just a dream – the pain of that loss cuts me deeply again, but it also brings peace. Maybe that’s just the brain’s way of processing something. Or maybe it’s just a brief furlough for them from death, to address some unfinished business, say goodbye, or remind us of their love for us.

Death may be the end of the relationship for them, but not for us. It just changes to grief and we have to navigate this new dynamic until one day, if we’ve lived a life worth living, we cause someone else to grieve. 

I hope to live my life such that it cuts shallow, but wide. That I love fiercely, so those that I do know without a doubt. But also that there is little left unsaid, so while they will get a pang in their heart when they remember I’m no longer here it will quickly be replaced by a wistful smile from a fond memory. And that while I often fail to live up to my ideals of kindness, grace, empathy, and compassion still they – and not my failures – become what I’m remembered for most.

Thanks Dad.
I love you.
I miss you.
I truly hope you’ve found the peace you never could seem to find here.

career

Recruiters

I have had hundreds if not thousands of interactions with recruiters over the course of my career. Cumulatively I’ve probably spent weeks if not months on those interactions.

I’ve never once gotten a job offer or even an interview from interacting with a recruiter. There has been zero return on investment.

Further, it can be overwhelming as they send you an email, then call you and leave a voice mail to ask if you got the email, then text you to say they left a message about the email they just sent you. It’s mentally and emotionally draining at times. Especially in a market like this one.

Now, to be clear, I’m talking about external or third party recruiters – those that companies hire to help fill positions for them. I’ve worked with a couple of internal recruiters for companies I applied or was hired for and they were all wonderful, useful, and valuable to interact with. 

I also realize that I have colleagues I’ve worked with over the years that swear by recruiters and have had vastly different experiences with them. So maybe it’s just something in my personality that doesn’t work with this model. I’ve long felt, in many aspects, that I live in a world that simply does not seem built for me. That something in my brain is just a bit different and doesn’t sync with what the majority of people want and expect.

It also often feels like everyone else that was laid off around the time I was with my previous company has gotten offers by now. Some have been through more than one job. So the evidence seems to imply that the fault lies with me. But if so, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to change without being inauthentic, which feels misleading. Like when I’m often encouraged to run my resume through AI and what it spits out is an impressive candidate that uses some of my skills and experience – but is definitely not me. Might that land me a job? Sure. But will they actually be satisfied when they find out the person they hired is not me but an AI clone of me? Doubtful. 

I want to be wrong about recruiters. There have been multiple instances where a position – usually one built around someone who knows about coding with accessibility in mind, which I feel pretty confident about – opens up near me and I get a barrage of communication from recruiters. I get that feeling that maybe this will be the time. But it never seems to go anywhere. They ask for a lot – time, commitment to work with them, resumes, etc – and nothing ever comes in return. 

Early in my career, in and just around college, I worked in sales. So I know it’s part of it. In other words, it’s transactional and rapport can be beneficial, but it’s not a requirement. My point is not that they are the problem. I think I’m the problem in that I keep trying even though nothing comes of it beyond frustration and wasted time. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

But I want to be employed. I want the routine of a fixed schedule. To solve problems, hopefully interesting ones but simply to solve them and be useful. To provide value and be compensated for it. To not feel discouraged, adrift, and lost. To help people and make their jobs, and therefore hopefully their lives, just a little easier.

I know what I’m doing isn’t working. I know I need help. I don’t know where to find it. I’m not great or comfortable asking for it, though I have tried. But recruiters don’t seem to be the answer for me. My brain just isn’t wired for that model or process I suppose.

career

Order Is Important

As someone that has built software for a long time it’s intrinsically understood by me that order matters. How you take in and verify data or the succession of steps you show a user to facilitate an action or transaction getting it correct matters.

Which is why despite the market we currently reside in, where hirers have far more power than seekers, it still surprises me when one doesn’t consider the order of steps in the process. Especially for a job hiring coders.

This morning I applied for a job. It had some minor red flags that stood out on the description, but overall it seemed legitimate including being – supposedly – from a domain that would require a fair amount of investment to obtain. However after applying the next steps were:

  1. Required to watch a 5 minute video describing the process, in order to trigger the next step.
  2. Required to take two assessments – one a generic comprehension test and one apparently a technical test.

All before even talking to a human being and being able to ask questions to even see if this job is right for me and worth investing time from my one wild and precious life to do all that work. Just to “earn” the right to talk to an actual human.

This was further compounded by a sales pitch that consisted of the introductory email outlining all this telling me it’s because I’d “earned” the right to move forward by being “assessed in the top 10% of applicants”. All within less than 3 minutes of applying. Which seems impressive, if not impossible.

I guess my point is that while the power dynamic shifts with the market this is a two dimensional conversation – you’re selling me why I should lease my time to you and I’m selling you why you should lease my time over someone else’s. So doing it in this order with a pitch and approach that seems right out of “this is just something to prey on desperate job seekers to give free labor to train our LLM” leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I have, at least currently, the privilege of not wondering how I’m going to pay rent / mortgage or buy food next week. So I reported it as fake, which it seems to be, marked the emails as spam and moved on – other than writing this.

My point is mainly that there is an inherent social contract at play here. So if you have the same privilege and encounter this, please show courage and do similar. So that, hopefully, there’s less of this to take advantage of those that don’t have that same privilege. We need to look out for and support each other as best we can. Kindness matters.

life

Resilience takes many forms

I’ve been thinking a lot about resilience lately, mainly for obvious reasons. At my last company we were told it was an important trait. I tend to agree with the overall sentiment but I also think that it takes forms you may not expect.

I see it in reminding yourself that a layoff is not a failure on your part, but on upper leadership – even as you struggle to land your next opportunity. In not listening to the impostor syndrome living in your head, but believing past colleagues when they say, or write recommendations, that you were valuable – both in your work and as a person. In believing in yourself and risking hope, despite a wave of rejection that pushes you towards despair. In helping others – with encouragement or kindness or recommendations to remind them how awesome they are – even when you grapple with how to help yourself.

We have minimal control over the challenges we will face in Life, despite our best efforts. The only real control we have is how we respond to those challenges.

There is a really great Instagram I was introduced to. Basically it constantly reminds you that a bad day does not equal a bad life, that life is hard and sometimes you need to rest and recharge, and you are not broken even if you feel like it sometimes. It reminds me that resilience and success are imperfect and not a straight line. And that often our own worst critic is ourselves.

As I get older I feel like I’m less sure of what I know, paradoxically. One thing that has served me well for a while though is to put the energy into the world that you wish you received. Not in the sense that it will be circular and necessarily make its way back to you – it often doesn’t. Simply because society is an interconnected organism and if we truly want the experiment to succeed we’re always going to need more kindness, empathy, grace, and humor.

Finally I think resilience is about community, as it builds your support network. That could include family – immediate or extended, a church or faith organization, friends, pets, neighbors, or however you find belonging. I’ve felt most resilient when I felt I belonged somewhere. When I don’t is when I struggle the most with believing in myself.

Be kind, show grace, and have empathy – for yourselves and others. Try to find humor, even in your darkest moments. Find a few moments of joy and small things to be grateful for every day. Love those that you care about fiercely and remind them of that love regularly. I think if we do this as best we can each day, we are showing resilience.