Let me start this by saying I’m not writing this for me. One of the blessings of my career at this point was being able to advise and mentor colleagues as they progressed through their own career. Using my experience and privilege to be vulnerable – to share the doubts I still had and mistakes I made so they had space to feel more comfortable about similar feelings they may have been experiencing. It was something I wished I’d had early in my own career.

Recently my position was eliminated. So for only the second time in my career I find myself unemployed. As I’ve slowly begun the process of refining my resume, searching and applying for jobs, and the inevitable string of rejections it’s been – understandably – very humbling. It also has validated those thoughts long in the back of my brain that many developers feel. Developer friends and I had joked about how your career is often an oscillation between moments of bliss where you feel you can conquer any problem and moments of despair where you sit head in hands wondering why anyone trusts you to build anything at all.

Any job search is humbling and demotivating. It’s a lot like dating where it’s 99% rejection (or perhaps I’m just inadvertently revealing how bad I was at dating). Yet you have to have a short memory. Almost like a quarterback who throws a pick six then has to go out in the next series only thinking ahead, never back if they want to succeed.

As someone who is admittedly much more of a specialist I find it especially difficult. Years ago I lamented that it didn’t feel like anyone needed someone with my skills, even though I found myself hired over and over again for exactly those same skills. Reading job descriptions today I find those same feelings rising up. My JavaScript skills have definitely progressed a great deal since when I originally wrote that. But still when I see UX Developer positions asking you to be an expert in React (or Vue or Angular or etc) I feel those doubts rising again. Yes, I’ve built React components and written a lot of React, jQuery, CoffeeScript, and even just plain old vanilla JavaScript. But I would never consider myself an expert and have never felt really confident in my skills there. I’ve always felt like a hacker – piecing solutions together by looking at examples or Stack Overflow posts and adjusting it to what I need. Much more a MacGyver than a NASA engineer.

Sometimes, late at night like when I write this, I wonder if those feelings of impostor syndrome are getting validated. That I really was a fraud all those years despite all the contributions I’ve made to numerous companies / repos and the recommendations I get on LinkedIn. Why would anyone hire me when there are so many more talented developers out there?

While it’s true I’ll never be one of those “10x programmers” I still think I can provide value to a team. I believe I have strong communication and empathy skills, the data combating my doubts. I know how to write accessible, responsive, semantic, and modular components which are necessary and valuable – even if I might struggle to manage state or pull from an API. I’ve been told I’m good at discerning what the real problem we seem to be trying to solve, rather than just building the solution asked for – which can often save frustration and valuable time. Or as a friend recently told me when I talked about my doubts “You can do a lot of meaningful work.” – which is kind and gracious of them to say, even if the more cynical part of my mind wryly thinks it’s something you might tell Grandpa so he’ll behave and stop annoying people.

I don’t think this will be an easy search. Going through my network there’s a lot of very talented people who are either also laid off or in threat of it. But I’m hoping both that someone gives me a chance and that I validate that show of faith. So I can still have my impostor syndrome, but with health insurance and a paycheck. 

Again, all that to say if I can feel this insecure and doubtful about my future with all the data accumulated telling me I’m wrong – if you’re at a very different point in your career and feel the same, those feelings are valid. Not that they’re right, just that it’s ok to feel them. But we still have to just keep swimming.